


All The Things She Never Said

by Mathemagician37



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: (but only as sisters), Contains violent scenes, Danvers Sisters, F/F, Not Alternative Universe, People die but I don't say who, So be warned, There's also possible death, but Astra is alive so ish?, general danvers, pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-01 15:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6525718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mathemagician37/pseuds/Mathemagician37
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex is in a rather precarious position, and Astra is the only person who can help her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Till Death Do Us Part

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the vague summary, but I did not want to spoiler everything. There's a lot of warnings (see tags), so if you're triggered by that sort of thing, don't read it. It's going to be a two-part one-shot. Saying 'enjoy' or 'have fun' does not seem quite appropriate, but I hope you can somehow appreciate this fic. Have a good day!

Astra’s eyes grew wide as they dropped to the height of Alex’s chest, two fragments of a broken window having slipped between her ribs. Blood was seeping from the wounds, and Alex was fruitlessly trying to keep the pieces of glass in place, so it could not cause any more harm.

Astra was quick enough to catch her, keeping her from collapsing forwards, and laid her down gently – even moreso than she normally would considering  the fact that she always held back from her superstrength around fragile beings. Her constant contact with humans had taken care of that.

“Alex,” she breathed, trying not to speak too loud, as if words would make the wounds that Alex had sustained worse. Alex’s eyes moved from her chest wound to Astra’s eyes, and for the first time Astra knew Alex, she saw fear in her eyes. She briefly wondered if she feared death itself, or leaving behind everyone that loved her. Everyone that she loved. “Alexandra.”

“Astra,” Alex heaved, her voice weak and low, barely audible over the noises around them. Astra almost forgot that they were not alone, but she turned all her attention to Alex. She had to do something. There had to be something she could do to help Alex, to save her.

“You have to remain conscious.” Astra insisted. Alex’s hands were trembling, causing the shards to move, so she laid her hand over Alex’s, steadying them. “Do not close your eyes.”

“Astra,” Alex tried again, her eyes running out of focus, but despite that she put all the effort in training her eyes on Astra’s. “Tell Kara..” She spat out a gulp of blood that deprived her from saying the words she needed to say. Astra was out of her depth, not knowing enough about the human anatomy to be of much help. “That I.. love her.. and.. I’m sorry.” Alex sputtered.

She was out of breath, and from the way she sounded, Astra guessed she did not have long. She felt a panic rise up in her body, one she had never experienced in that proportion. It threw her off, but she did not grant it another thought. There were more pressing matters at that moment, and Astra was not going to waste any more seconds than were necessary.

“She knows, brave one.” Astra reassured her, leaning closer to the human that was in such a painful predicament. She was almost afraid to shift her, but she wanted to make the younger woman somewhat more comfortable, so she did nevertheless.

Seconds were ticking by, but it seemed like they were lasting for ages. Something Astra was grateful for, because it gave her some time to think about her next move. Being a general had always kept her quick on her feet, and even moreso with making decisions, but this time she was at a loss. She was not certain how to proceed, what would do more damage.

And on top of it all, she was in the field. They were in battle. They were relatively shielded from the rest of the fight, but if she were to fly Alex out, to a safe place, a hospital or the DEO headquarters, they were going to be made, and Astra was not sure if she could get Alex out of there safely if she had to defend themselves. She had one tactic in mind, but she was not ready to play it out yet. In case things did not work out.. She would not forgive herself if she let Alex die alone in an attempt to get them out safely.

She would have died alone, and she knew that her niece would not forgive her for that. She would want her sister to know how loved she was.

Kara would have done everything within her power to rescue Alex. But at this point Astra was not sure if that were a possibility. Which was a thought she tried to push to the back of her mind. She did not want to think about it, nor did she want to believe it. Even if a battle was lost from practical view, she would die fighting. Giving up was not an option.

Astra squeezed Alex’s hand gently. She wanted to be reassuring, and did not have any idea as to what she could say to make the situation better. More bearable.

And the situation got worse when she felt the presence of another being, and when she turned her head, she saw Non flying over the car that was keeping them separate from the rest of the world. The decision was made. She had to protect them from Non. Had to protect Alex from him.

She felt an anger flare up within her. One that was not familiar to herself. She had felt anger before, sure, but she was used to keep it in check. Leading an army was something that required her to be objective, and anger almost always biased that objectivity.

And yet, she felt like this anger was different from the kind of anger she had felt before. She had felt lots of different kinds of anger. When her sister had lured her, using Kara and her spy beacon as bait. When Krypton had exploded, and the last that she had seen of her family was the day of the ruling. How she had suffered for years in Fort Rozz. How it had changed her.

Then, when she had arrived at planet Earth, she opted to do the same thing she did on Krypton, wanting to save it by the same means as she had on Krypton. The very definition of insanity: trying to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

It had taken twelve years to realize that. Twelve years to get from the point where she started to the point where she was now. And it was thanks to her niece that she was able to see it. She still thought that the Earth was dying in the same way Krypton was, and she was still convinced of her own views on the world, but she realized now that how you did mattered as much as what you did.

And that there were more important things in life than things that seemed so much bigger. Saving the world was huge, but being able to enjoy the life you were trying to save mattered just as much. Her niece made her see it, and it briefly reminded Astra of the time that the DEO was handing her over to Non, trading places with Director Henshaw. She had noticed that Alex had had reservations about the trade, but Kara had convinced her. _Because she has that effect on people._

Little could she know that she would have an effect on Astra as well, all those months later, when she had showed Astra that there were more important things in life than a mission. Kara had told her that if she were to push through her plans, that she would end up killing her as well. Her only living family member.

She had discarded the whole idea at first, but it had started eating away at her. The idea that she would be responsible for her niece’s death, a being that she loved with all her heart, even after all that had happened. She would never want to do that. She would never be able to live with herself. In the end, after they had taken over the world, she would never be able to relish in the victory.

So she had joined her niece’s side. At first, covertly. She had had a hard time convincing everyone that she had good intentions, that she was trustworthy. Especially Alex had given her a hard time, accompanying her at all times. _’My sister might trust you to do the right thing, I’m a lot harder to convince,’_ she had clarified rather crudely. Astra understood it, and probably would have done the same if it were her. She would not have trusted herself either, so she was not bothered by the fact that Alex did not let her out of sight.

But it made her fight a bit harder, because she had to convince Alex of her good intent as well. That she was willing to throw aboard everything she stood for to fight for her niece. So she decided to be honest about it, too. That it was all about her niece. That she did not care for the majority of the Earth’s population. That it was merely an attempt to save what little was left of her relationship with her niece.

But Alex had understood that in return. She had shortened Astra’s leash, though, carefully processing each and every movement Astra had made. Eventually she had offered Astra to do a sparring session together, and Astra wondered it if were some kind of peace offering to make up for the extensive scrutiny. But she was willing to take it.

She had brought her to the chamber with the Kryptonite lamps, one that would deprive her from her superstrength, having to fight with the same strength as the humans did. Alex had taught her a few new moves, and Astra had returned the favor. She had noticed that the woman was even better when she was of equal power, and she could not help but feel vicarious pride.

She had already liked Alex when she had beaten the Hellgrammite, and that fondness had grown the more she got to know the woman. She was a tough one, Alexandra Danvers, tougher than most humans. Astra admired that about her. But most of all it was her humanity that she was in awe of. Alex was tough and could fight better than most Kryptonians, but she still dared to show vulnerability. Kara was her Kryptonite, and she had shown that on multiple occasions.

But she was not afraid to show the world how much she cared about Kara Danvers. Or about Supergirl. Or about Hank Henshaw. And that had been something that had touched a part of Astra that she was not in contact with. That she had not even known was there. It made her realize that you did not have to be made out of stone to be strong enough to conquer the world.

She did not have to leave a pile of dead bodies in her wake to accomplish what she felt the world needed. She did not have to reach out to extreme means like mind control to make the world act differently. There were other means, and even if they might be less effective, they were the right ones.

Astra wondered if Alex knew what she had stirred up in her. What she had done for her to change her mind. To change her views. Or maybe not her views, but her methods. Her modus operandi. She had never thought a person would be responsible for a one-eighty on her morals. Let alone a human one at that.

But Kara and Alex Danvers had. They had brought things in another perspective.

So when she had first came out to her former Kryptonian army as a deserter, none of them had understood. They had all been confused, especially Non.

Non who was hovering over them, Alex still in Astra’s arms. Her eyes were slipping closed, and the slower her heartbeat went, the more rapid Astra’s became. She thought that it would jump out of her chest, if it would not stop doing that. But she had to admit to herself that she felt a crippling fear. And anger.

And she had just found the right outlet to extinguish that anger.

Extremely carefully, she laid Alex on the cold concrete, giving her one last look before she turned around to face the man that she once had called her husband. It had been a long time since she had felt anything remotely close to love for him. Perhaps she once had, but she was not sure anymore if it were really him she loved, but rather his ideas. His powers. His strength.

None of that mattered now. He was responsible for what happened to Alex. And he had to pay for it. Astra was going to make him pay.

She shot up, catching Non by surprise, sending him flying a few yards, landing on the ground with a bang.

He looked up at her, his face devoid of any expression. It was the face he made when he was in battle. Astra had seen him done it thousands of times.

“You care for her.” Non remarked flatly, his eyes following  her every move. Probably to calculate her next attack, or for other reasons. To see her squirm, perhaps, under his words. “Or cared.” He glanced at Alex before letting his eyes fall on Astra again.

She struck again, hard. She started punching him very fast, wherever she could, slamming him against the wall of the building the nearest of them. She retreated a few feet, and with her heat vision she started cutting bars from the fire escape that was right above Non. When it crashed down on him, it hardly seemed to hurt him.

He pushed it off of him, taking position in the air facing Astra. “You’re allowing yourself to be led by anger.” He commented, a hint of curiosity in his voice. Somehow he found himself fascinated by the situation, and Astra could not put a finger on the sore spot, as to why it was that he was behaving like this. Why he let her strike so easily.

“You do not retaliate.” Astra countered. She squinted her eyes at him in suspicion. He would never let her win like that unless he had a plan. On better days she would have figured it out by now, but this was not one of them. She was put off her balance, and she wanted to get this over with. She did not have the patience that was required, and she realized all too quickly that it was a mistake.

He was stalling.

Because he knew what would happen if he stalled long enough. He would know what it would unleash. And Astra realized that it was his plan. That Alex flying through a window was not an accident. The two shards sticking from her chest were not an accident. It had been targeted.

But little did he know that Astra had a plan of herself. She had a secret weapon. If there were anything she had learned in the months she had worked with the DEO, that one secret ingredient of the recipe to a good plan was having a secret weapon. It was usually used as a last resort, she knew that, too, but it gave her the confidence she needed to do the inevitable.

“How could you let the humans corrupt you, Astra?” Non inquired, floating in the air, his eyes latched onto Astra’s. He looked slightly menacing, but Astra had never been intimidated by the man’s actions. Not when they had been married, not before and never after. She was not scared of him, knew that he was more bark than bite.

“I do not let anyone do anything without my consent.” The ambiguity was implicated, but merely subtext. It was the truth. She never let anyone go their way with her if Astra did not want them to. And surprisingly enough that almost never occurred in the first place. She thought it was because she was intimidating to most people.

Another thing that Astra had appreciated about the Danvers sisters. They were not intimidated by her. She knew Kara was not, because she was raised in her presence, and she had always been very close with Kara when she was just a little girl. However, the fact that Alex was not intimidated had sparked some curiosity that bordered on fascination in Astra.

She used her superhearing to check if Alex’s heart was still beating. Her pulse was weak, but at least she was not dead yet. Astra wanted to get her out of there as soon as possible, but she knew that if she tried now, she would not get away with Non taking away every hope of rescuing Alex. Kara would never forgive her if she did not do anything within her power to prevent Alex’s death.

For Kara.

But she could not ignore the tightening feeling in her throat whenever she thought of Alex lying on the cold concrete. Alone. Defenseless. Her faith in Astra’s hands. Ignoring that it might be too late was a bit easier. Because if it were too late.. She did not want to think about that.

She made a move again, diving head first in Non’s direction, slamming him against the wall with much more force than she had before. He grunted in response. The close vicinity granted him the opportunity to hiss at her. “Usually you do not let anyone get under your skin.” His hand reached for the hem of her DEO-issued shirt. He was right. On some level. But that did not mean it was a bad thing. Her life had gotten increasingly better since she had joined the other side. “Not like they have. Not like she has.”

“You appear to be quite jealous.” Astra bit back. For a second, she thought she saw hurt in his eyes, something that might have bothered her a long time ago, but this time she only punched him in his stomach to worsen the pain he was undoubtedly already feeling.

“You care for her.” He heaved. There was something about his voice that made Astra think he was not talking about her niece, but she willed the thought away. She had him at her mercy, and she was not going to give it to him. She knew that as soon as she made a move to Alex, he would strike. That the only reason he was not fighting back was that he still believed he could turn her.

“More than you could ever comprehend.” She countered, reaching for the Kryptonite-encased sword on her back. Her secret weapon. She felt like a traitor, using such a weapon on a fellow Kryptonian, and of all people her ex-husband. The man that had fought beside her in battle. So she felt uncomfortable. Much more than she would have liked. Much more than she had felt before.

Her heart was pounding in her chest, trying to jump out of it again. She could barely breathe, but it was necessary. It was him or Alex. And Non knew that. She could see it in his eyes. And the fact that he had stopped struggling, stopped trying to push her off or talk her out of it told her enough. She had never seen him like that. She had never ever thought that he would give up like that. It did not suit his character to do such a thing. It was not soldier-like. He would go down fighting if it were the last he did.

She raised the sword, getting ready to plunge it in his chest. His eyes would not leave hers, and part of her wished he would stop. That he would avert his eyes, or even better, just fly away. “You love her.” He finally managed, his voice hoarse and low, his shoulders slumping in defeat. But the second after they had, he straightened his back, jutting his chin in the air. Like a soldier would. “I have always loved you, Astra.” He finally said, almost visibly bracing himself for what was about to come.

Part of her wanted to deny all of what he had said, but she did not have the energy to do so. And it would be a shame to tell a lie to the person she had sentenced to death. “I am sorry.” She breathed, not being able to muster up any more words. It was murder. It was cowardice. It was in no way how she would condemn anyone else, and yet she was here in this moment, about to do something vile and against what she believed in.

There was no honor.

She looked Non straight in the eye when she did it, the sword stabbing in his heart. A heart she had already broken and stamped on, and now impaled with Kryptonite. Non’s hand reached for the sword, wrapping around the blade. Astra thought he was going to say something, tell her that it had not worked, but when he opened his mouth, instead of words only a gulp of blood came out.

Astra’s blood ran cold as Non ran out of blood. Eventually he twisted the blade, and pulled it out of his chest. Almost immediately, he collapsed against the wall, on the ground. Blood was gushing out of the chest wound, and before Astra could even fathom what was happening, he had stopped breathing.

She landed next to him, just staring at him. For seconds.. Minutes maybe. Precious time going to waste. She could not find it in her heart to leave him yet. After all the years they had shared, and now she had so brutally murdered him. He gazed up with empty eyes, a terribly discomforting view. She had seen dozens of dead eyes staring into nothing like that, but this was different in so many ways.

She reached for his eyes and pressed them shut. “You have been the sun of our lives. Our prayers will be the sun that lights your journey home. We will remember you every dawn and await the night to join you in the sky. Rao’s will be done.” She recited the all too familiar words in Kryptonese. A prayer for the dead.

She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes. While she had watched Non die, she had forgotten what all of this was about in the first place, until she could hear the faint heartbeat of Alex.

She glanced at her ex-husband’s dead body one last time before dashing in Alex’s direction. She knelt next to her body, and even though she could hear her heartbeat, she felt the urge to press her fingers against her throat, feeling the heartbeat. She was barely breathing, and she was out cold.

Astra wondered if it were too late. If everything had been for nothing. If she should have said goodbye to the woman rather than killing her murderer.

“Alex.” She urged, her hand slipping to her shoulder and squeezing gently. She knew that it was a futile attempt at waking her up, but she felt like she needed to say something. Before it truly was too late. But she was at a loss for words, staring at the woman instead. Thinking of all the words she could not say. All the emotions she could not express. So instead she just uttered a ‘Do not die on me’ before cradling the woman, being careful in trying not to let the glass shift.

She flew back to the DEO base, as fast as she could without causing Alex more harm. Without giving her hypothermia. But when she finally arrived, she knew she was too late. She realized it the moment she landed, dropping to her knees. No heartbeat. No breathing.

And so Astra’s heart skipped a few beats, and she could not breathe. She had failed. After all, she had. Her brain faltered, only vaguely realizing what that meant. She just gazed at the woman, and tears started welling up in her eyes. But she did not let any of them spill.

Her hand reached for Alex’s cheek, stroking a few strands of hair out of her face. Her eyes were closed, and Astra briefly thought she was sound asleep. That she could wake up any minute now. Her stomach contracted at the thought, and she felt like screaming. From the top of her lungs. Because Alex deserved better. Deserved better than to die because of two stupid pieces of glass that were lodged in her chest.

She deserved better than to die as collateral damage in battle. Not surrounded by the people she loved most in the world, but by one of the people she had sworn to take down such a short time ago. Things had changed. They had. Astra had gone soft, and the woman in her arms was partly responsible for that.

“Rest in peace, brave one.” She finally breathed, not being able to swallow away the awkward feeling in her throat. “May we meet in another life.” There were so many words she wanted to say, but she did not know how to string them together. So she had chosen for ones she had heard humans say to their loved ones. Ones that she found fitting. But they were a cliché. An awful cliché.

Eventually, she opted to bring the woman inside, to the inevitable situation. She was bringing back a dead sister to her niece. She would be heartbroken. And it would be Astra’s fault. She was not fast enough. She did not try hard enough.

Once again she cradled the younger woman in her arms, and set her pace towards the doors. They seemed to be infinitely far, compared to the journey she had just made, even if it were merely a few steps.

She had superstrength, and yet the body she was carrying felt all too heavy in her arms.

She did not even have to open the doors, because the woman she was on her way to already opened it. “Aunt As-“ she began, obviously not having used her X-ray vision to see who was outside. To see what was happening. She stopped in her tracks, the words getting stuck in her throat. She stared at the scene that was playing out in front of her incredulously, as if it were a bad joke. Or a bad dream. A nightmare. “ALEX!”

Astra’s heart was torn to shreds, the anguished scream reaching her all the way to her bones. She thought that, physically, it made no sense, but she felt it in every fiber of her being. And she could only imagine how Kara was feeling.

“Little one.” Astra muttered, hearing the emotional undertone in her own voice. But it was nothing compared to the look that her niece gave her.

“We have to get her inside.” Kara whispered, ushering Astra to the doors. “It’s not too late yet.”

But Astra knew it was. It was too late. All the time she had spent trying to put her thoughts and emotions into words, and it had all been for nothing. All of what she had done that night had been for nothing. And it had left her with the body of a woman in her arms. A woman that she had put a lot of hope in. She had given her a chance. And now she would never know how she felt about her.

All the words she never said. Never spoken aloud, never to her. It had seemed like an eternity, and she had gotten so many chances, but she waited too long, and eventually time had run out.

Or so she believed.


	2. Sleeping In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said I was going to make this fic a two-chapter fic, but when I was writing the second chapter, I ended up writing over 8k words, so I chose to make a small interlude and this is it. I hope I didn't make y'all too frustrated for letting you wait this long. It took me some time to get it all right. The last chapter should be up quite soon hereafter. I'll try to post it before Sunday, so I hope you're still up for that one. So, try to enjoy it, and let me know what you think. :) I hope y'all have a good day and are still here when the last chapter's up. ^^

Astra carried Alex’s body inside, Kara hot on her heels. She was upset, and so was Astra. But even though the chances were very slim that Alex would pull through this, they did everything they could, whether it would save her or not.

The DEO had a hospital wing for special cases – that being mostly Kara Danvers aka Supergirl – but they made an exception for one of their finest agents. Within minutes, they had hooked her up on an IV, and started multiple procedures that would hopefully lead to getting Alex’s heart to beat again.

And they managed to do that. After several units of epinephrine and countless rounds with the defibrillator, her heart was up and running again, albeit maybe weaker than it normally would. And so it crashed another few times, until after a number of surgeries – some of them by input of Astra, who suggested Kryptonian procedures that could help as a last resort – she was finally stable.

Alex was hooked up on so many monitors and tubes that it barely looked like she was alive, but fifty-eight hours after Astra had brought Alex in, she opened her eyes. Until then, no one could have told whether she would wake up at all, and if she did, whether there was permanent damage to her brain. To her heart. The only thing they knew was that there was brain function in that moment, but it could all go awry within seconds.

But it did not.

Alex opened her eyes, and she was surrounded by her sister and mother. And Astra was sitting in the corner, trying to create some distance between her and the rest of the family. She was not sure if she had earned a spot near the bed like Kara and Eliza had. Hank Henshaw had visited Alex whenever he could spare the time, being busy as per usual.

“Wh-“ Alex tried to speak, but her throat was so dry that she could barely form the words she was meaning to say. Kara handed her a glass of water with a straw, because Alex was not allowed to move too much. She eyed the piece of plastic as if it were the most ridiculous thing ever, but after a look from Kara that almost literally expressed ‘I will melt off your face’, she drank from it, albeit somewhat reluctantly. “Where am I?” She asked when she had hydrated her throat enough in order for her to speak.

“You’re in the hospital wing in the DEO.” Kara explained. She looked like she had not slept in at least three days, which was probably the case. Astra had not slept much either. Both Kara and Astra had spent the majority of the time in Alex’s room, waiting for her to wake up. Eliza had only joined them several hours after Alex had been brought to surgery, but had not left her side either.

As soon as Astra could conclude that Alex was fine all things considered, she stood up and used her superspeed to find a nurse, to alert her Alex had woken up. The hospital wing was very tiny, so she had found one in a few seconds. “Agent Danvers has regained consciousness.” She informed, and after receiving a nod, the nurse told her she was going to page the surgeon that had operated on Alex.

Astra returned to Alex’s room in time to see her being crushed by Kara, hugging her way too tightly considering that Alex had almost died – and considering that her chest was full of stitches – but Kara was upset. She was very close to losing her sister, and she could only imagine how she must feel and must have felt over the past days. “I’m okay, Kara.” Alex kept repeating softly while patting her back, a grimace on her face that told Astra that she was in a lot of pain.

The cardiothoracic surgeon that had saved Alex entered the room, Alex turning her attention to the woman almost immediately. “How are you feeling, agent Danvers?” She asked gently, her eyes warmly as she stood next to Alex’s bed.

“Like I’ve gone a dozen rounds with a Hellgrammite.” Alex answered lamely, trying to alleviate the tension in the room with a joke. Astra grinned at Alex, as if they were in on some bad inside joke, and Alex’s eyes met Astra’s, holding her stare a bit too long.

“You were clinically dead when she brought you in.” The surgeon gestured in Astra’s direction, gaining Alex’s full attention when she started telling her what had happened. “Fortunately, the combination of hypothermia and the hyperbaric effects of..” She paused, searching for the right words. “You being flown here, made it easier for us to revive you, and later perform surgery. We took the glass out of your chest, and repaired all the internal damage it did. You went into cardiac arrest a few times, but we were able to get your heart going again.”

“What about permanent damage?” Alex asked, her face pale as a sheet. Astra thought she was tired, and wanted to get back to sleep as soon as possible, but now she was awake and had the attention of the surgeon that had operated on her, she had to gather all the information on her own health. Even then she was all business-like, and Astra admired that about her. Her loved ones were around her, more concerned than ever, almost having lost their loved one, and Alex was talking about her surgeries as if she were talking about the weather.

“It is too soon to tell.” The surgeon told her patiently. “We are going to run a few tests to gather more information on how your brain was affected by all this. In the best case, you will recover fully from this. In the worst case..” She seemed to consider her next words carefully, and it made Astra think that Alex was far from out of the woods. She was not surprised, thinking of all that had happened to her, how much it had cost to keep her alive. How often she had almost slipped away.

Alex appeared to understand what the doctor had meant, nodding in comprehension. There was an unspoken conversation going on between the two, words that were not meant to be said out loud, with her mother and sister standing so close to hear. Alex may not have studied for doctor, but she did understand a few things about the human anatomy and how much a body could take.

After a few minor checkups, the surgeon left the room so the family had some time with Alex, and so she could gather equipment and schedule some things that Astra did not follow. Astra then decided to leave the room as well, feeling like an intruder in the whole situation. It had been partly her fault that Alex had almost died. And she was not part of their family. She was the awkward aunt no one liked to invite to family gatherings, but did anyway because they had to.

So she retreated to the gym, where they had created a section for Kryptonians, with stronger equipment than the rest of the other things were made of. She could have just gone to the room where her superpowers were less intense, with the Kryptonite inhibitors, so she basically had human powers, but she wanted to go a few rounds on a punching bag with full force. She had a lot of emotions bottled up inside of her, but was not quite sure as to what to do with them.

She had never really learned to process feelings and emotions.

She never needed to.


	3. Actions Speak Louder Than Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is, the last chapter. It's quite long and I've considered splitting it in half, but I figured you wouldn't mind a long chapter. I hope you like the conclusion. Enjoy!

It had been two weeks, and Astra had spent little time with Alex compared to the amount of time she had spent with her when she had been comatose. Even compared to the amount of time they had spent before all of it went to hell. Before Alex had almost died.

Sure, she had spent some time with Alex over the past two weeks, but never alone. She had always been in the background of the room, when Kara was talking through her day at work, while Alex listened. She was still on bed-rest. She probably would recover fully due to her healthy physique and the fact that she was still young. The surgeon had also ordered for her to stay in bed for at least three weeks.

She was allowed to walk, and according to Kara, she was granted one circle around the DEO every day, even if Astra suspected she would walk a longer trail than that. But she was quite obedient to the surgeon. Probably for several reasons, but the biggest were so Kara would not worry too much, and so that she would recover quickly – and above all – fully.

But Astra did not ask.

She spent almost all of the time in the gym, in combat out in the field, or in the sleeping quarters of the DEO. They had built them in case agents had to sleep overnight. She had basically lived in the DEO since she had joined them. Kara had invited her over in her own apartment as well, but the couch was very uncomfortable to sleep on for more than a few nights. Or so she told Kara. Another thing that played in the matter was the fact that Astra did not actually want to live with her niece. Not because she did not want to spend any time with her, because she truly did.

It was more that she did not want to invade on her privacy. And especially ever since Alex had almost died, she did not want to intrude on the woman’s coping. Astra could tell that the girl was still worried about her sister, and that she wanted to do more than sit by and watch her recuperate slowly. But fact was that her superpowers could not help Alex in this matter.

And so Astra thought it was good when three days after Alex had woken up, Cat Grant had ordered her to come back to the office, under the guise that ‘the hobbit had his own job to tend to’. It would keep her busy, enough so she did not have to think about the DEO and Alex. Aside of the missions she still had to do, with or without Astra.

It really made a difference, not having Alex around to stand on the lookout, or giving directions, or giving pep talks, or literally any of the other things she always did as an agent for the DEO. Hank was talking about reinstating her for the time being, leading missions from HQ, now that Alex was allowed to walk further than from the bathroom to her bed, but he still needed the proper clearance from the surgeon.

Astra was working on her combat skills in the Kryptonite lighted room, practicing a few moves that Alex had showed her about a month prior, but it was a lot harder to do it without instructions from the woman. And without her, her heart was not really in it either. She liked practicing different types of martial arts with Alex. Mostly because it was informative.

She was just throwing a kick in the air when her eyes picked up another being in the room. She had not heard her, because her hearing was not as good under the influence of Kryptonite, and she had been too deep in thoughts to notice it otherwise.

“You need to adjust your angle.” Alex advised, leaning against the doorpost with her head slightly tilted. She looked like she had been standing there for a while, and Astra felt oddly exposed. The look Astra gave Alex apparently radiated confusion, because she added: “Your foot.”

But Astra did not adjust her angle, did not twist her foot and did not perform the move again. She just looked at Alex, attempting not to look too dumbfounded. “You should know better than to wander about the halls.” She finally said, too soft for her likings.

“I added this part of the DEO to my daily route.” Alex shrugged nonchalantly, but there was some annoyance on her face that Astra could not place. “It’s the least I can do for the woman that saved my life.”

“Almost cost it, too.” Astra countered the statement rather brusquely. Her breathing had accelerated again, she could tell.

“I was there because I wanted to be there.” The younger woman clarified, sighing exasperatedly. “Astra, when are you going to give me a chance to..” She seemed to look for the right words, or maybe she knew what she was going to say and just did not want to say them aloud. “say thank you.”

Her eyes never left Astra, and she felt an awful lot like she was under scrutiny. It made her feel uncomfortable more than anything, and she wanted the woman to get out of the room. But she knew she was not going to leave her alone, otherwise she would not have come to her in the first place. She just had to face the music even if it were dire. No excuses.

“There is no need.” Astra deflected, turning her back to Alex to emphasize her deflection. She knew, from a tactical point of view, it was bad to turn your back to a person. She also knew that, by human standards, it was considered rude, but she hoped that it would chase the recovering agent back to her daily rounds, or her bed, or just anywhere else that was not with Astra.

Seconds later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. “You killed Non.” Alex breathed incredulously. “Kara told me that you killed him.” She added, as if it would explain exactly why her hand was still on her shoulder. But Astra had to admit to herself that it was not the worst feeling in the world, and so she let her.

“He was going to destroy you.” The Kryptonian explained, her throat getting dry again. “Kara would have ended me.”

“I’m sorry that you had to kill him.” Alex offered, squeezing Astra’s shoulder. Neither of them spoke for a while, until Alex broke the silence. “Why are you avoiding me?”

Astra spun around a tad too fast, causing Alex’s hand to drop to her side. She had an odd look on her face, and Astra could not quite place it. It gave her a wry feeling in the pit of her stomach, and she did not know what to do with it. She did not know what to answer.

“You’re clearly not mad at me.” Alex proceeded to fill in Astra’s silence. “Your body language and speech tell me that, and the subtle hint that you were practicing the moves I taught you gave you away as well.” She bit her lip in frustration, her eyes analyzing Astra’s movements. Any movement that could give away what she was thinking about. “So I was wondering, what could there be that she won’t see me?”

Astra opened her mouth, but no words came out. She had no answer. Astra was not the kind of woman that shied away from confrontation, or shied away from owning blame whenever it could be placed with her. Yes, she held blame. She had gotten Non killed, literally at her own hands, and she almost had gotten Alex killed, not so literally at her hands. But that would have never kept her from going to see Alex. There were only a few things that would stop her from facing a situation, and that was if it were simply too hard for Astra to comprehend.

“And now I’m standing here..” Alex stepped closer, almost toe-to-toe with Astra, and it caused Astra to want to take a step back again, creating a safer distance. Personal space had never been an issue between Alex and Astra, but right now she made it very hard to breathe freely. “And I see you’ve turned on the Kryponite lamps, way higher than I’ve seen Kara turn them, or I’ve turned them whenever we sparred here.”

“I was merely giving myself a little challenge.” But Astra knew that it was the worst excuse ever, and it did not make sense in the slightest. She knew it was not the reason. And she knew Alex knew that too. She would see right through her, and Astra condemned herself for not being able to turn her back at the woman and just forget about the conversation. For letting her get under her skin.

“You’re hurting yourself.” Alex exclaimed. “And I don’t know whether you do it out of punishment, or so you don’t have to feel anything else.” Astra stared back at Alex as if she had grown a second head. She thought the woman was right about that, but she were not going to say that. Yet. “But if I have to guess, I’d say it’s the latter.”

“And why would I reach for such rigorous measures?” Astra tried to sound skeptical, but she did not feel it, so it was hard to fake it. Alex knew her well enough, and she had the advantage of being trained in body language and speech patterns. This was her field of expertise, and Astra felt much to her disadvantage with her Kryptonian upbringing, that made her so vulnerable in the Kryptonite lights.

“You tell me.” Alex sighed. She looked tired, which did not surprise Astra. Recovering from the kind of trauma Alex had gone through did a number on the human body.

“No, Alex.” Astra replied. She feigned confidence in her posture, trying to radiate some kind of air that breathed ‘we’re done here’, but she doubted that Alex would buy it and much less act on it. She had this determination in her eyes she had seen and admired in the field, and she knew that whenever Alex had that look on her face, she was not going to let it go until she had resolved it.

“Yes, Alex.” She deadpanned, tilting her head and folding her arms in front of her chest. “For all I know, you’re planning on leaving the DEO, and leaving Kara behind again. And I can’t let you do that. I can’t let you break her heart again, Astra.”

It was Astra’s turn now to spot the lie. It was not a full lie, Astra believed, but she also wondered if that were the true reason she was there. If that were the whole reason, at least. She knew that Alex was extremely protective when it came to her sister, but the way Alex acted made Astra think that there was more going on in Alex’s head. That her frustration was directed at Astra, but not about leaving Kara behind. But Astra could not put her finger on the sore spot. What it was that was bothering Alex.

Alex reached for Astra’s arm, grabbing it soft enough so it did not hurt, but firm enough to convey that she was not letting her off the hook just yet. That she truly was going to honor her unspoken words and not let her go until she finally told her what was going on. Astra knew better than to defy her intentions, but she did not feel as if she could answer the question. Not necessarily because she did not want to answer the question, but also because she did not know how to answer it.

“I am not leaving you all behind, I can assure you.” Astra breathed sincerely. It was the truth. She could not leave them. She had nowhere else to go, and even if the idea of just being alone for a while had haunted her thoughts, she had decided that she did not want to. There were important things in her life that she could not lose, and leaving would mean just that.

“Then what is going on, Astra?” Alex inquired exasperatedly, her fingers digging in Astra’s flesh in badly disguised anger. But Astra did not flinch. And she did not answer either. She was shuffling with her feet, but only slightly. “Look.. I’m only being this hard on you because..”

And now it was Alex’s turn to refrain from saying anything else. Her grip loosened, but it still lingered on her arm, but her touch felt soft and gentle instead of angry.

“Kara told me you sat by my bed for three days.” Alex finally confessed. Her fingers started tracing patterns on Astra’s arm, and Astra could tell that she was nervous. She was good at hiding it, she had to admit, but the nervous fidgeting of her fingers told her enough. “I was surprised.. Because you hardly show you face in my room now. And I kinda..” Alex searched for words, but Astra thought she had already found them. She just did not want to say them out loud. “Were you there for Kara or were you there for me?” She eventually asked.

“Alex.” Astra spoke, not quite knowing what to say. She had an idea of what the other woman had wanted to say, but she could not be sure. So she tried to ignore the feelings it stirred up in her stomach, and answered the question instead. “I care about you. Of course I was there for you. I was concerned that you wouldn’t survive.”

“But I did.” Alex pointed out. Astra had the feeling that Alex was all too aware of their close vicinity, and that she even enjoyed it. She thought it had something to do with the intimacy of it, one that would betray all the feelings Astra was unconsciously showing. The expression on her face made Astra think that Alex would love to do a few rounds of sparring with Astra. Ever since she had walked into the room and given Astra instructions to adjust the angle of her foot. Sadly, Alex was not allowed to make such movements. Even though her chest wounds should probably fine, her heart would not allow it. It was ironic how often the heart was the problem. “Astra, you saved me.”

“But you did die.” Astra disproved her. She wanted to make a point, but it was totally lost on her what kind of point she wanted to make. And Alex did not seem to understand either. “You did. You stopped breathing. Your heart stopped beating.”

Alex’s hand slipped to Astra’s, wrapping it around the back of Astra’s and bringing the hand to her chest. Normally, with her superhearing, she could hear her heartbeat, but the Kryptonite made her weak and less susceptible to all that was happening around her. She could feel her heartbeat now, and even if she rationally knew that it was beating, that Alex was up and alive, she enjoyed the feel of it. But she wondered if that were really because of the heartbeat or for some other reasons.

“Astra.” Alex muttered, her eyes found Astra’s, and she held her gaze. “What’s going on?”

Obviously, Astra knew that the other woman knew that there was more going on and that her words had not willed away those suspicions. She dreaded that the woman knew her so well. She had never thought someone would know her like Alex did. Which was strange, considering that she had not been very generous with information on herself. But somehow she knew how to read her like a book, and how to push the right buttons to get out of her what she wanted to know.

No, Alex might not have known her in the sense that Kara knew her, or her own sister, who had had the same DNA, or Non even. But she knew her in a way that was way more frightening to Astra. Because this meant that she had to face the situation as it were. And she knew it was inevitable.

Her heart twisted awkwardly in her chest, and she wondered how she had gotten herself into this place, with Alex standing all too close, having her hand clutched to her chest. It was the strangest situation she could have imagined, especially all those months ago before she joined the DEO. She never would have thought she would find herself mulling over the words she was supposed to say.

The ever so eloquent Astra In-Ze, at a loss for words. On a better day she would have laughed humorlessly, discarded the thought that someone would render her speechless. That someone would make it difficult for her to comprehend all that was happening to her. The feelings that seemed both too overwhelming, and too underwhelming at the same time.

But she felt her standing there, too close to the other woman to run away. The hand over hers was tethering her to that moment, and she had no clue as to how to escape it. Her heart was beating fast, and she could not quite fathom why is was beating like it was in danger. Like it was under attack.

It would have been so easy to just utter an unapologetic ‘nothing’ to the other woman, end the discussion and push her off her trail, but somehow she could not find it within her to say the word. She knew it would be a lie, and she knew Alex would know it. And she did not want to lie to Alex.

“If only I knew.” Astra sighed eventually. For some reason Alex would not let go of her hand, and she found it odd. But she realized that maybe the other woman could measure her heartbeat that way, and whether she was lying to her in the process. She tilted her head, her eyes scanning her face, but the lines in her face would not betray what she was thinking. As much as she was readable to Alex, she was in return a closed book to Astra, and she somewhat dreaded that.

Astra was quite good at picking at people until she knew their motives, but she had had trouble with Alex in that matter. She had never found the ultimate method to find her motivations. She knew that a lot of Alex’s motivations stemmed from her relationship with her sister, that she did most things for Kara, and that she would do anything to keep her safe.

Even go into a fight that she could not win. Which had almost cost her life.

Astra’s stomach clenched in agony, and she almost felt like throwing up, but Alex’s fingers had started caressing the back of her hand. It was awfully soothing, and Astra wanted to pull her hand back. Being exposed to such kindness felt undeserved.

“You are a dangerous woman, Alex Danvers.” She finally muttered under her breath. She had sounded way more coherent than she thought she would, and she was silently grateful for that.

“Why is that?” Alex asked, in her turn tilting her head in the same direction as Astra as she quirked up an eyebrow. She sounded curious, but also some kind of relief seemed to resound through her voice. Astra briefly wondered why she would be relieved, what there was that she could be worrying about.

“Do I have to ask this question to all the humans and Kryptonians you have expired?” Astra retorted, showing somewhat of a smile. Not necessarily due to the implied murder, but because it was something that Astra had admired about the woman, and the thought of Alex as a soldier was always something that would conjure up a smile on Astra’s.

Alex scoffed, but it was halfhearted and it changed into a chuckle halfway. Her eyes caught Astra’s for a moment, and she bit her lip before she spoke up. Her voice was soft, but steady. “I wish you would just tell me what’s going on.” She sighed, her eyes never leaving Astra’s, and she felt as if she were speaking to her through the gaze as well. It was a strange feeling, and it knocked the air out of her lungs. “Kara doesn’t know either. We are worried about you.”

“You do not have any reason to be concerned about me.” Astra deflected. She was not comfortable with this line of questioning, and she wanted to avert Alex from the subject. So she pulled back her hand, almost as if she had burned it. The look on Alex’s face told her enough. She was hurt by something Astra had done, and she doubted that it was because she had drawn back her hand.

“I do.” Alex snapped. “You’re shutting everyone out. You’re spending most time in the gym or here. You’re spending your time on your own, and that is fine, but I can see you’re not okay. And I get that, but I wish you would just..” Alex waved around with her arms, as if the words she was saying needed some extra gestures to stipulate how much she meant them. How much it frustrated her that Astra opted for the silent treatment, opposed to accepting Alex’s and Kara’s support.

“You would not-“

“Understand, being able to do anything about it? You don’t know that I don’t.” Alex clenched her teeth in anger, Astra could tell. She had seen Alex’s emotions go through a rollercoaster ever since she had interrupted her training, and she was wondering which one the next was going to be. She felt guilty for being the one to put her through all of it, while she was clearly already hurting from everything that had happened. She knew Kara was not taking Alex’s almost-death very well, but that the fact that she survived made it easier to put on a happy face.

But Astra kept her quiet, still searching for the right words. She realized she was just stalling, and that she was not going to say anything that she would regret saying. She deemed it futile to open up about something she did not even understand herself, let alone attempting to put it into words and say them out loud.

“If you’re not gonna speak up..” Alex exhaled, there was something sad in her eyes, and Astra wondered if she had caused it. She was almost sure that she had, but she did not want to be the cause of Alex’s sadness. “Astra.. When I laid there on the ground, losing consciousness.. there were two things that kept me going: the thought of Kara.. and you.”

Astra swallowed, feeling as if Alex had reached out, wrapped her hand around her throat and squeezed it shut. There was a part of her that wanted to refute her statement, but she could not find it within her to do so.

“The way you looked at me..” Alex continued. There was a strange undertone in her voice, and Astra could not place what it was. What it meant. “You were scared. I had never seen you like that. And then Non showed up, and.. I could see it in your eyes. The determination. The anger. And it was all directed at him.” Alex paused, her eyes piercing in Astra’s, she stepped even closer, and Astra wondered if she were doing it so she could see every muscle in her face; every twitching line that would indicate how she felt about the words Alex was saying.

“I did not know what it meant.” Alex breathed, her voice barely audible now. If someone had been listening in on their conversation, they would certainly not be able to hear what she was saying. “And then I heard that you had killed Non. And really, it’s because I have a lot of time on my hands right now, because I started thinking about it. You did not only kill a fellow-Kryptonian, he was your husband. And it leaves me wondering, why you did that. You didn’t even know if I was going to pull through. If anything, every indication pointed at me dying there, and you still killed him.”

“Alex.” Astra finally muttered hoarsely. “Your heart ceased to beat. You were fading from existence. I had to protect you from his further wrongdoing. But I have to humor you.. I was scared. And I may have let it lead me in that fight. Perhaps I was even seeking vengeance. However, Il cannot fathom what it was that I was feeling.”

Alex’s hand reached up again, but she changed her mind halfway and dropped it back to her side. She averted her gaze to some spot on the floor behind Astra, and she was wondering what she was thinking about. She appeared to be doing that a lot in the last thirty minutes.

“Try me. Tell me what you think it was.” Alex said lowly. There was a spark of hope in her eyes that Astra was almost sure she was attempting to hide by looking away, but Astra caught it anyway. Her clench in her chest grew tighter the longer she was in Alex’s presence, and she wondered if it had something to do with the Kryptonite lights.

“I- I cannot do that.” Astra replied, mirroring Alex and biting her own lip.

“Actions speak louder than words, Astra.” Alex said defiantly. There was also something in her eyes that made Astra think that she knew exactly what was going on with Astra, and that she was doing this for confirmation. But on the other hand, Astra could not imagine that she would know what was going on, when she did not even know what was going on with herself. So she gave Alex a confused look, titling her head questioningly. “You did all those things, so you must care.”

“Of course I care. About you and Kara.” Astra answered, mildly offended by the sentiment. The way Alex had said it did not mask the skepticism that Alex had been hiding the majority of the time they had been talking. “I saved your life because I could not lose you. You enrich my life. You showed me that I can be the best version of myself despite all that has happened. That how you do matters as much as what you do. Even moreso. You showed me that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. That what some might call weakness can also be your own source of strength. I admire you more than any other human, and I value you as a person. I feel privileged to know you.”

Alex’s face twisted in a smug smile, and for a second, Astra was caught off guard, but then she realized all too quickly that she had tried to drag this out of her. That it had been her play. Alex Danvers was a DEO agent, and interrogating was something she did regularly. She was trained to be good at it, and now Astra realized that, she felt like she had walked right into that trap. Almost like a fool. But then, perhaps she was.

Alex’s lips curled up in a genuine smile then, a warm one that she had given Astra on a few occasions. She was very fond of that smile, and she felt that she could not tear her gaze away from it.

“Thanks.” Alex said as she put her hand on Astra’s arm again. They were still standing way too close, and Astra started to wonder if she were doing it on purpose. But then Alex moved for the door, stepping away from Astra and taking back her hand in the process. Astra instantly missed the warmth on her arm, and so she reached for Alex, enveloping her fingers around her arm.

“You’re leaving?” She questioned, earning a shrug from the other woman.

“I thought you wanted to be alone.” Alex pointed out somewhat mockingly, but mostly cold. Astra loosened her grip on Alex’s arm for a second, a little taken aback by Alex’s attitude.

“No.” Astra answered distractedly, tightening the grip on Alex’s arm so she could not bail on her just yet.

“Then what do you want?” It almost came out as a sob, Alex’s voice catching in her throat, but before Astra could address it, Alex went on. “Why don’t you talk? Why don’t you lean on me for support? I see you’re suffering, Astra. About a month ago I felt like we were really going somewhere, like we were getting closer. Being the family we could be. But then I almost died and now you don’t even spend time in the same room as me anymore. Not without knowing there is someone else. What am I supposed to think, Astra? You’re sending so many mixed signals that I don’t know how to interpret them anymore. At first you go through extreme lengths to save my life, spend three days by my side when I’m in a coma, and then you disappear. This is nothing like you, Astra. You don’t cower away from a confrontation. You face it heads on.”

With every use of her name, Astra felt a chill through her spine. Her hand was still clutched around Alex’s arm, and she was surprised that the woman had not pried it off yet. She was slightly dumbfounded at the speech, not sure as to what to say about it. It must have been an irritation that had been bottling up within Alex for a while now, she realized, and a part of her felt awful for making her feel that way. For questioning her own instincts. For making her feel like Astra did not care enough to let her in.

Astra thought the problem was that she cared too much. That she had no idea how to handle this sort of situation. Because she had never faced one like it before. Maybe similar situations, yes, but never with the intensity she was experiencing now. And she could not talk about it with Alex. It would ruin all that progress they had made. But Astra realized now that maybe not talking to her was ruining things even moreso than talking ever would.

“For that, I am truly sorry, Alex.” Astra answered genuinely while squeezing Alex’s arm gently. She weighed her next words, wanting to give Alex more than just an apology. Words were only words, and she knew that the woman found more meaning in gestures than words. Actually acting rather than making promises. Her stare fell to the floor, exhaling in an attempt to find her composure.

“I have spent decades shaping my personality.” She began, Alex staying quiet to indicate that she was listening intently. “Even before Fort Rozz, I was training myself not to act on any emotions, not to have them. It is dangerous to have any sort of feelings whenever you’re at war. Especially when you’re leading that war. People were dying, at my hands. The soldiers I sent to the battlefield died by dozens. I was not allowed to feel, not supposed to mourn those losses. I have taught myself to look at things objectively rather than subjectively, rather than emotionally. I thought death was not as horrific if they died honorably. I had become so devoid of anything, emotions, feelings, compassion..” She paused, then added somewhat sourly: “Love.”

“I forgot what I was truly fighting for. I had married a man of whom I thought was on my side. It was never a marriage based on love. It was always some kind of arrangement. We were fighting the same battle. But it was years later that I realized that we were not fighting the same war. Our visions were so different from one another’s.” Astra took a few seconds to swallow away the lump in her throat, taking a peek at Alex. She was still listening, appearing to be very focused on all the words Astra was saying. Her face was contorted in such a way that Astra could not name it. She thought there was a hidden understanding in her eyes that she had not expected there, but she could not be sure.

“And then I drove a sword through his chest.” Astra broke the silence, feeling a jab in her chest from the wrongs she had thrust upon her late husband. He had probably deserved better, but she had had no choice. Or so she told herself. “And still, all I could think about was how you were there on the cold concrete, breathing your last breaths. It was the only thing that mattered in that moment. And I felt an unspeakable pain in my chest.”

“You were scared.” Alex breathed in confusion, her eyes latched onto Astra’s. She marveled at what she was thinking about. If she were instantly mulling over all the words she had said. If she were trying to figure out what Astra was really saying in between the lines. Because Astra did not think she could speak the words aloud.

“Mortified. I’ve faced situations in which Kara almost died, but she was never in the predicament you were in. Never actually died. I have spent countless days being the perfect soldier, being the general my people needed me to be. Being the person that I needed to be. I’ve seen dozens of people die by my side, but.. I could not afford to lose you. Over the past months.. Kara and you made me avert from the path I was trailing down, changed my destination. And for that, I am grateful.” Astra flashed a small smile at Alex, who in return smiled at Astra, but only slightly. She watched with an observant look on her face, and Astra tilted her head in a silent attempt to ask her why she was looking at her like that.

Her hand was still on Alex’s arm, and she wondered when she had turned this soft. Standing in front of a woman that she had faced at the opposite side of the battlefield for a longer time than they had been on the same side of, spilling her guts on her. Acting as vulnerable as she had thought to be tough. But then again, the woman had adjusted her beliefs in that matter. On Krypton they believed that admitting your fears was a show of great strength, but she had never applied that to admitting feelings for peers. She always thought that was like providing ammunition to an enemy. Giving them a gun and daring them to shoot.

That was probably one of the reasons that her marriage had worked as long as it had. Or maybe why it had never worked to begin with. She could see that now. She had never trusted Non with secrets about herself. With her true desires, other than saving Krypton, and then Earth. She had never been able to make shown what made her tick, which things she loved. The people she loved. She never used those words anyway, now she thought of it. The only person she used to tell she loved had been Kara when she was just a kid. And even then it happened only on very few occasions.

“Astra..” Alex sighed. It was her turn to be at a loss for words, and so she just stared at Astra.

So Astra took back her hand and looked at Alex in silence. She was not sure as to what to say next. She had shared the extent of her thoughts – give or take a few things – and now she felt highly uncomfortable. Under Alex’s stare she felt even less at ease than the situation had made her in the first place, and she actually thought it would be better to disappear for several weeks, until things had gone back to normal again.

“Thank you for sharing all of that.” Alex said somewhat lamely. Her voice was rather raw, but Astra could tell she was trying to sound kind. “But Astra..”

“Alex?” She questioned when Alex did not speak up anymore. She seemed to be sunken in thoughts, but her eyes focused back on Astra at the use of her name.

“It doesn’t explain why you’re avoiding me, and not Kara, for example.” Alex pointed out. Astra felt her cheeks flush, which was something that almost never – and certainly not ever in a situation like  the one she was currently in – happened. She let her eyes drop to the floor again, and when she looked up again, Alex was standing incredibly close.

Suddenly she wished she had more space. It had become a little too hard to breathe, and she had the awful sensation that Alex could hear her heartbeat go rampant in her chest.

“Perhaps not.” Astra replied somewhat sheepishly. “Why are you so intent on discovering the answer?”

“Because you’re letting me.” Alex countered. “You could just leave, if you wanted to.” She gestured in the direction of the door without diverting her gaze from Astra and for a short moment Astra was inclined to walk out the door. But she opted not to. Instead she shook her head.

“I am not very capable at handling this sort of situation.” Astra explained. She pondered on the words Alex had said only minutes earlier. _Actions speak louder than words._ She took a step closer to the younger woman, putting the two of them almost flush against each other. Their bodies were mere inches apart, and Astra felt some magnetic attraction that was about to pull her even closer. But she resisted the urge, and she forced herself to look Alex in the eyes. “I-“ She mustered, but she was not quite certain as to how to proceed.

Alex’s eyes dropped down before they shot up again, looking at Astra questioningly. Astra could feel her breath on her skin, and she wondered why the other woman had not taken a step back yet. Unless she reveled in the close proximity as much as Astra did. Or maybe ‘reveling’ was not the right word. There was a part of her that felt quite anxious about what she was doing. And she was not actually even doing anything yet. Technically.

She brought her arm up and covered Alex’s cheek. She was on autopilot, not really in control of her own actions. Her mind was delightfully clear of any thoughts, something she would have been grateful for if she had been aware of anything else but her own breath, and Alex being so awfully close to her. It was for the best, because her thoughts would have coaxed her away and let her walk out of the room.

Instead she found herself pushing a strand of Alex’s hair behind her ear, one that had been hanging free from the rest of her hair and that had been bothering her for a few minutes.

“How much longer before you take the leap?” Alex finally breathed softly. They had no company, no other people that could oversee their conversation, but if there had been any other people present, they would not have been able to hear the words. But Astra did. Somehow, that was the invitation Astra needed, and so she did. She took the leap.

She eliminated what little was left of the space between them and pressed her lips against Alex’s. She went in sensory overload, something she had experienced a lot of times before, when she had landed on planet Earth and the yellow sun had done its magic with Astra’s superpowers. But this was much better. It was more than she hoped it to be.

Nothing like she had imagined.

There was a warm feeling in her abdomen that spread further through her body the longer it took, and at some point she must have ceased to breathe, because when they parted, she was out of breath. Her eyes had run out of focus, and she needed a second to regain control over her own body. The ever so sober Astra was mesmerized, and if she had been less intoxicated, she would have been embarrassed by the way she acted, a little too sluggish for her likings.

“Not long.” She finally uttered with a somewhat lilting voice, smirking at Alex.

“Kinda long, though.” Alex countered, flashing a smug smile of her own, looking way too cocky for Astra’s taste. “I basically had to drag it out of you.”

Astra tilted her head, eyeing Alex with feigned suspicion. “Are you implying this was some kind of battle?”

“I wouldn’t dare.” Alex retaliated, her hand slipping around Astra’s waist in order to pull her closer and bring her mouth to Astra’s ear. “But if it were, I think we both can agree I would have won.” She whispered sweetly. Chills ran up and down Astra’s spine, and it definitely caused Astra to divert from her goal to regain full bodily control.

“If it were, I would hardly call this battle finished.” Astra murmured back, wrapping her arms around Alex, closing the gap between them again. She was in the place she wanted to be, and she could consider her lucky for even getting there.

There had been a lot of obstacles in the way that had led her there, and she was not sure if this were the end of that path. Surely, she had taken another one now, but there were a lot of things to talk about, and a lot of things to be done before they could be anything. But the series of good decisions Astra had made had added just another on top of it, and she hoped a lot of them that stemmed from this decision would follow in the same way a lot of good decisions and events had followed from Astra’s decision to join the DEO.

But in that moment she felt like she could not be broken. She felt almost invincible, high on the feelings she was experiencing. It was something new to her, something unexplored and exciting. Something that intrigued her as much as it scared her. She had come a long way in her discovery, but she also knew that it was not the end yet. There was a whole life awaiting her, one that allowed her to enjoy a life she never thought she would have.

She was not even certain if she would have it. It was optional, and also highly volatile. Just the slightest shift of the atmosphere and everything would be gone. Everything undone. A disaster to bring it all to waste. But she was not going to let that happen by her own doings this time. By her own cluelessness and obduracy.

She was going to do the thing that she deemed best: put on her war gear and fight like hell to get the life she was meant to have. The one she could have. And should have. With her niece in it, and now with Alex on her side as well. Because with her and the DEO, she would win the war and save the world. A world worth living in. With a life worth living.

And with that in mind, she looked at Alex as if she had just won the world. And Alex looked back at her as if she were going insane. So Astra leaned in again, dropping a kiss on the corner of Alex’s mouth. It did nothing to wipe off the odd look on Alex’s face, but a smile was pulling at the edges of her lips, which was enough for Astra.

“What?” Alex asked in confusion, a frown on her face. “Is something wrong?”

“No.” Astra replied truthfully. “All is well.”

Her hand dropped to Alex’s side, to the hand that was still free. She intertwined her fingers with Alex’s, squeezing tightly. The Kryptonite made it possible for her to squeeze as hard as she could without breaking any bones, but she figured only that could convince Alex how serious she was, despite the everlasting grin on her face.

“Stronger together.” Astra finally said resolutely, making a silent vow that she would try the hardest to keep her family safe. To protect them, and get them through the war unscathed. Alex gave her a nod, almost soldier-like, but the hidden smile changed into a full-blown smile as she echoed the words:

“Stronger together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all of you who made it till here, thanks for reading! :) I hope you all had a good time reading it. ^^ Have a good day!

**Author's Note:**

> So it looks like I'm playing right into that dead lesbian trope here, but you'll just have to wait for the second part to find out if I really did. Also, I was up for writing something especially angsty, so here it was. I hope y'all aren't too mad at me, though. And I hope that you'll read the second part as well.


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